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I just got sad news today. I've been trying to book a very special photographer all year, off and on....and i just got word today that she will not be able to do a session with us before we move. *sniff*
I admire this woman tremendously. She is about to have baby #5. Her business couldn't be stronger. She makes it clear that her family and her job as a mother comes first. Gotta love that. For all I can gather, Tonya is a supermom.
Of course, we all know supermoms don't really exist. We know how much work she puts in and she, herself, has said that it is only because of insomnia that she even can do what she does. :)
After a lovely 3am feeding last night, Daniel got up again at quarter to six. I pulled him next to me and we snuggled until the rest of the crew awoke. My thoughts turned to how I use my time. Lately, I seem to find myself hurrying to get nowhere. Like the title of this post, I feel like I rush through a million things during the day only to get to what? Why am I rushing?
I put the question out there on my facebook page about cloth diapers and got responses across the whole spectrum from "Ewwww, gross." to "totally doable and worth it." to "who has the time?" or something along those lines. And, that one got me thinking. Who has the time? Do I necessarily have to speed through a diaper change? Sometimes I do, like today when I was changing Eric's clothes and I smelled my tortillas burning!
My time. It seems like many of my friends don't have the time to just be present and enjoy something simple. I've been reading up on something called social capital lately. Have you heard the term? It basically means you know your neighbors, you are involved in your community. When Larry gets in a car accident and suddenly can't work for months, the neighbors rally and provide for the family in every tangible way. Because, well....It's Larry, our dear friend!
What's my marathon? Am I trying to build a photography clientele? Am I trying to support huge national causes for cancer research or take mission trips to far away countries with people in need? Am I training with the goal of completing a marathon in every state? What are my goals? Because I have to have lofty goals, right?
Do I rush through dressing the kids, grooming, cleaning, cooking all so I can get to my goals? What if just the very act of taking care of all the simple things WAS my greater goal? From LIFT, a Christian discipleship program, I remember our teacher, Nate, quoting from "Middlemarch: A Study of Provincial Life" by George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans).
"But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs."
Part of me screams out for some form of recognition. What am I supposed to do to be successful? And, when that voice comes in, and it comes quite forcefully, I suddenly begin to rush through my day. Tackling this mundane task and the next, hoping to find the time to tackle a greater cause. Really? Was I put here on this earth to potty train and to wash charcoal ashes out of toddlers' hair?
But, I always revisit that quote. I must read this book soon. For being about provincial life, it really is quite a thick volume. But, I will take the time to read it.
My marathon is not ending any time soon. The miles are long, dark, soggy. Shouts of encouragement do come and are so welcome, but only sparsely through the run.
In the song, "Small town Southern Man," by Alan Jackson, he sings these lyrics,
"And he bows his head to Jesus, and he stood for Uncle Sam, and he only loved one women, always proud of what he had, says his greatest contribution is the ones he'll leave behind."
I like that last line. I'm definitely feeling like I'm running a marathon, but it is in a hidden life. My accomplishments will not be in the number of diplomas or professional accolades. I will be up at six. I will put on the oatmeal. I can change Eric for the day and we can laugh as he takes 3 tries to get his foot into his pants.
We can all walk Finn to school and meander slowly on our way home, picking up potato bugs, touching fuzzy caterpillars, playing red light green light with the stroller.
I've got the time to cook from scratch and make something healthy. I don't have to chop the veggies in the most efficient manner and I don't have to freezer cook 30 meals in advance. Instead of only being involved in our church and reaching out to national organizations, I want to get to know my neighbors. I want our neighbor, Thomas, to be able to call my husband and say, "Hey, I've got an award ceremony this next week at school and I need to learn how to tie and tie. Could you show me?" We may not be supporting missions around the globe in hefty sums or going ourselves. We may not volunteer weekly at a soup kitchen downtown. But, when my neighbor's daughter is sick, I have the time to care for them.
Don't get me wrong. The big picture things are great. But, I'm coming back to the concept of social capital. Do I also have the established relationships and love for my family and neighbors (whomever we are physically spending our time with) that I have for the greater community, nation, and all my facebook friends. ;)
Lately, when Cam's at sea, I don't go to our bedroom for the night. I curl up on our couch, under a down comforter. Christmas tree lights strung around a decorative tree give soft light to the room, barely giving enough of a glow for me to see Daniel's face as he snoozes away in his seat next to me.
Something is always tugging at me to have something greater to show for the day than clean kids with full stomachs and a dishwasher humming. I have to rest in this hidden life. To rush through it, thinking this is not where I am to be as I change Eric's poopy diaper for the 3rd time would be to truly miss something. I am adding so much good to this life and the lives around me. My greatest contribution lies here in this home. In the details. I might not be PTA president (although admittedly a lot of those parents aren't striving for recognition there!! They are merely filling the need!) or photographer of the year. But, did I help nurture and raise up well loved children? Did I rest in my time of chores, cooking, walking a restless child around the block, kissing a booboo, etc...
I made my point four paragraphs before and this posting is mainly me rambling to myself. Thanks for listening. I say we start a book group! Our first selection: "Middlemarch." I could be the only one in the circle however, I think I will savor every word!
Sometimes, Camlon has duty on the ship, meaning ~ he has to stay on for a 24 hour period. We usually come down for a meal and spend some time "playing" on the ship. Cam and I have to be careful the kids don't touch things they shouldn't like the captain's phone, or fire extinguishers or that they don't fall down steep stairwells at every turn. That's why I found this evening's "playground" particularly amusing. A missile deck.
Today, I rocked and sang my baby to sleep..........twice.
I know this might be hard to believe, but it is the first time I've done that.....ever. SO sad, I know. I want to take back how I parented our first two especially. I want to rip to shreds my copy of Babywise. I know there is some great advice in there. Somethings, I do still do from that book, like feed Daniel around the same times every day. But, after reading that book before Finn was born, my main goal was to get him to sleep through the night as early as possible. When that didn't happen, I got anxious. They say you shouldn't have sleep props to help your baby sleep such as rocking, music, etc. It is of course ok sometimes, but try to let them cry to sleep and console themselves. I see where they are going with this advice. However, when I look back on my season with Finn and Ally as babies, I was one big stress ball. Not consoling your child when they are crying (up to 45 minutes), is just crazy. I remember visiting Iowa when Finn was 3 months old. It was thanksgiving time and we had the dinner at my dad and step-mom's house. I remember how Tatyana held Finn. She treasured him and immediately began speaking to him in English. She spoke to him in Russian, her native language....She showed him around the house, holding him up to things and speaking softly to him. I didn't do that. I didn't really treasure my time with him. I was too concerned with doing everything "the right way." I know I did love my child. However, it was not the way Tatyana was loving him, I remember that.
Later that evening, it was time for Finn to nap. I fed him and changed him, sad that I was away from the party. He was not looking very tired. But, I still put him down for a nap in my dad and Tatyana's room. He whimpered as I closed the door. He cried. He began really crying. I went inside to console him a few times. But, then I would sit on the steps outside the room, desperate for him to fall asleep on his own. He was 3 months old. Tatyana came up the stairs, hearing him cry and was startled to see me sitting on the steps outside the room. I'm sure she asked me if he was alright, but I don't remember her words. You could see the longing in her face. To hold the child and love him. Hold him tight and rock him. I remember feeling mad at her. That she didn't understand the way we were parenting. That she was making me feel guilty for not going in there and being with him. I wanted him to fall asleep. I wanted to return to the adult conversation. Me. Me. Me. Me......
Today, as I sang my Daniel's lullaby (the first song on the playlist) and rocked him ~ I was thinking of Tatyana. I sang the same song over and over ~ sometimes just the chant, other times, with the words of the doxology that I've created to fit the tune. I rocked and rocked as his eyes grew heavy, his swaddled body warm in my arms. I sang and his head rolled back completely relaxed. I sang as his eyes began their REM movements. And I wept. It was both tears of joy and sorrow. Joy that I have this baby to hold and treasure and love. Sorrow for my other babies, mostly Finn and Ally. I know I loved them as best I could. I know people that use, love and stand by Babywise LOVE their children.
For me, it was not what I needed as a mom.
This April, there has been a lot of joy around our house.
A certain someone is taking FOREVER to potty train.
Laundry is almost impossible to do. I'm sooooo distracted!
C'mon. You would be too!
SO, we put good tunes on like Waka, Waka by Shakira.
And crazy dance through our chores.
After dinner now, we have a time called DIG. Dessert in God. Cam gets out his Bible and plops it open on the table while the kids munch on their brownies. It has been fantastic.
So thankful for God and the creativity he instills in us as parents. There are many excellent parenting books out there. I'm not one to fully rely on myself. But, the books don't have all the answers and God bestows such amazing wisdom to me in the moment I'm in to best prepare me for it. No book can do that. No book can give me the patience I need sometimes to guide our children. And I certainly can not do it alone.
Thank you, Tatyana for loving Finn the way you did. Thank you for loving all our children. And, funny enough. I'm writing this post on your birthday. Have a good one.
My friend, Summer, summed it up well in her recent blog post. I sat at the computer at a loss for words. I only had pictures from the egg hunt but not from the great family discussion about Christ that ensued after.
It was on the tip of my tongue....what Jesus meant to me. Why I read his words back in high school and suddenly felt the weight of their meaning. Greater love has no one than this.....that he lay down his life for his friends ~ John 15:13. And Summer's words about how we as mothers strive for some perfection that is never attained, that we feel we fail constantly in our striving to be better. Our striving.
No, we are to repent, to turn, and remember the Cross, the Gospel and that we strive toward Him.
Talk about imperfect, Camlon and I shared a laugh this week. I was talking to him about something and stopped mid-sentence. I had forgotten Daniel's middle name. For real. I asked Cam and he laughed hard and then paused as well, as if he'd also forgotten. We looked at each other embarrassed and cracked the joke, "ah...the poor fourth!" Then, Cam said, "It's Nathan." That didn't ring anything more than a vague recollection.
"oh yeah......Nathan"
And we went about our day.
Today, as I was filling out some official paperwork for Daniel, I came across the box for middle name. I paused. Suddenly, it came to me, "Elliot!!!!" Oh, I rolled on the floor and had to write Cam right away. Not only had we forgotten, but we remembered the wrong name! Yes!!
Daniel is resting in my arms right now, eyes flapping as he drifts into sleep.
You know.......he really looks like an Elliot to me.......
Now to the hunt:
Eric didn't really hunt for his eggs. Once he discovered what was in them, he started chowing down.
His basket is now on top of the fridge.
Gotta go now and snuggle with our little Elliot!
I read this book last night.
It's very exciting to see this book. I've followed her blog since 2008 and know her story well. I remember sitting at my computer, nursing little Eric, when I read the update after Nella was born. Her sister gave the news that Nella had Down Syndrome and her words were just as rich and poetic as Kelle's. I cried and paused. I had commented on her blog before, but not often b/c most of her comments were from close family and friends. I loved reading her dad's comments always. They were funny and poetic as well. Runs in their family for sure! But, I decided to reach out and give her some love and support. And, I saw many new names appear in the comments box. A lot of new names all saying the same thing I was. They had been following her blog and were touched by the story and wanted to reach out and show support.
We all know what happened from there. Suddenly, her wonderful blog was no longer something special to a few, but to the masses. Her blog is the only one that I have stumbled upon where I went back and read all her older posts. I loved her photos, stories and emotions. Each post would bring laughter and tears it seemed. I was in an emotional time with my own little ones and her perspective, even well before Nella, brought me so much more joy and purpose to my job as a mom. I was changed from it.
After Nella's birth and the explosion of her blog, I wondered if she would start writing differently. Would it not be as personal? Would it focus only on Down Syndrome? Would I still want to follow it? She stayed true to the original reason why she starting blogging and it just got better. I rarely comment anymore since I was never a friend of hers. My comments are the same as those echoed by so many others that now have been inspired by her.
Her book is such a grand accomplishment and so worth the recognition. Kelle truly was a diamond in the rough ~ her blog so professional and addicting, you just knew some day more people would tune in.
As I read through the chapters of her book last night, I found that I was not really drawn to Nella's story anymore. I've understood her transformation and the tremendous power of perspective over these past four years from reading her posts. But, I was so glad to find that she wrote a bit more about her past experience within the church. How she had seen the good side of church and the dark side. How she is trying to understand who God is.
Her father was a pastor, but came out as gay when she was eight. Her family was split up and she starting hearing things at church about what it meant to be gay. She didn't really have a relationship with her dad for many years. But, she wrote that in high school, she suddenly sought him out again. They spent more and more time together. She had a dad again. She loved him. And, although their family situation has been through a lot of pain and adjustment, she had chosen to love. She has meaningful relationships with every family member. She loves them all.
I understand the need for the greater argument. In government or church membership, etc. But, as for your family? What else is there but to love. I'm anxious to see the new movie, "Bully." It will be so hard to see those home videos of happy children that grow up to think that taking their own lives would be better then to live with the hatred they felt.
I pondered this a lot last night. Cam and baby lay asleep on either side of me. I remembered our wedding ceremony where the challenge was spoken. I heard the words homosexual and sin and wrong. I thought, "Why is homosexuality being preached at our wedding?" Since then, our wonderful musician on that special day has shared that he is gay.
A facebook friend shared this article today. It's a response to a previous post titled "I'm Christian, unless you're gay." The previous article has over 10,000 comments. So, it obviously touches nerves! I highly recommend both articles. You may not agree with these words. I have my own opinions as well. However, when someone is sharing their heart, all I want is to listen.
I feel like several of my friends from over the years purposefully withhold telling me about there lives b/c I'm a Christian and they fear my disdain or reproach. I guess I, too, have felt judged in a way. The fact that I'm kept at a distance greatly saddens me. I'm here to love and listen.
Writing is such a great outlet, isn't it. The winner of "Bloom" is.....................
Congratulations Kate!!! Please email me at rookeclan@yahoo.com and I will get it in the mail soon!
We had a bit of a surprise party for Eric's 3rd birthday yesterday. Not the normal kind of surprise party with lots of planning and a sizable guest list. No, this one was more like I went to bed the night before his birthday and said to Cam,
"I don't even have a present wrapped."
A lot has been going on with both our families lately. Eric's birthday wasn't on anyone's mind. I even forgot to put his birthday on our extended family calendar which might also have contributed to the problem!! Ironically, those going through the hardest times right now were the ones who remembered!! Plus, I'm planning a big party for all three kids with their friends before we leave this summer, to celebrate all their birthdays at once. Nevertheless, it didn't feel right not having more for Eric on his special day!
Even on $10 and no planning, we gave Eric a special day! Happy Birthday, Bud!
Phin handmade three presents.
Jean Gregg gave us this birthday bear. We still use it!
Eric wanted pizza for dinner!
Ahhhh..... I did buy candles that day but left them on the counter at the store after I paid for them. At least, I remembered all my kids! ;)
Yes, Eric touched the hot match and began crying after I stopped the camera. Seems to happen frequently in our family!!! Remember Ally's 2nd birthday!!
I made my brother's chocolate cherry cake that we had every year on his birthday growing up. So easy. 1 box choc. cake mix, 1 can pie filling, 1/3c. milk, 2 eggs.
Scary flavors!!
This video of the kids trying the extra hot tamales is great! Eric wins!!!
Camlon made a whole bunch of paper airplanes which made the night. Eric played with his planes until story time.
Eric got to pick the books he wanted! Pirates of course!
And, we even got to video chat with MomMom and Aunt Leslie!!
Happy birthday, Eric!!
Next post will be about Kelle Hampton's book, "Bloom," and the lucky winner who will get a copy in the mail soon!!
