Contrasting this with my last entry, today I was certainly feeling lots of love, joy, blessing....and just plain old fun.
Flowers from Tatyana and MomMom!
Yum! Breakfast a la Cam and the kiddos.
Music
More music....I snuck up on him!
Princess/Pirate Tea Party
Thank You for sharing your gift with our neighbors, Tatyana!!
Present from Finn!
An evening at the park.
Soon, we will have another birthday to celebrate! Guess who is almost 5!!?
And, Memorial Day is fast approaching.
Hope every Mama out there got to enjoy their Mother's Day. This day was such a precious one to me. Cam made it so special. I even got to semi-sneak away from the kiddo action and give my mom a call! Love you Mom!!
Video Extras:
After Phin was born, I called my mom to tell her the good news and I said, "You did not tell me what that (giving birth) was going to be like?!!!"
I think I could sense her smile on the other end of the phone and she simply said, "Welcome to the club."
I've told that story before on this blog, but I think it is one of my favorite quotes ever from my mom. This season of being a mom while I can still talk to my mom is really fun.
However, today was one of those days that I don't keep record of here in this journal very often. But, they do happen and today, I just wanted to sit here and hash out all the heartache I've endured. None of the following things are horrific. It is just this constant drip from a leaky faucet....it adds up. Today it brought me desperately to my knees. And, with Cam at sea, I endured alone.
It is so humbling to be a mother.
My day began during the night. Daniel is going through a growth spurt and ate 3 times!! I woke up a bit tired and remembered that the house was an utter mess. I had a friend coming over with her little girl and there were many things that needed to be cleaned up just for the house to be safe for their arrival. As I got breakfast ready and everyone dressed, Eric managed to get a crayon (hunter green) and he began scribbling on the entry way wall and the front door. I did not notice this until I was out the door to take Finn to school. After returning home, I grabbed my magic eraser and began to clean up all the crayon before it was time to take Ally to school. When I came home from dropping Ally off, my playdate would begin. So, as well as cleaning up the crayon, I also de-cluttered the main part of the house, cleaned up the breakfast dishes, cleaned the bathroom, swept the floor (we are talking 15 minutes here!). All the while, Ally is complaining to me about the snack I packed her for school. Then, as we were headed out, I was in the middle of explaining to Eric that we do not draw on the wall (even though I believe I've said those words a million times already!), when I noticed a huge hunter green streak up high on the door.
ALLY!!!!
As a mom, it is a miracle if we remain sane. We say something, and it falls on deaf ears. I know all moms know this. But, really. How incredibly frustrating to say something as obvious as, "Please don't write on the walls, " only to discover the task done again. And, did I fail to mention that they were just scolded about this very thing last night when Eric had taken sidewalk chalk to both the inside and outside of our side door.
I just informed family that craft items were excellent for Ally's upcoming birthday, but believe me, any craft item received will be under lock and key. Until we've finished all chores or cooking and I can sit down with them myself and watch their every move with paper, scissors, glue, markers, crayons, pencils, etc......I have to. Of course, all this graffiti has to take place close to the time we are moving and need to update the house a bit. So, so hard to rent with toddlers!
Anyway, of course all these lessons will be learned in time. But, that was just the beginning. I've been saying to Camlon lately that the kids really are so different when he is at sea. It is almost unmanageable and unbearable for me at times.
For me to say something and be told outright, "No! I will not do that." And I have no one to back me up. When I'm nursing the baby, and a fight breaks out, what can I do? When I call the kids over and talk them through the problem rationally, their anger toward one another remains. It isn't a moment later after I send them playing that another fight breaks out.
The physical fighting!!!! How many times do I have to say to my child, "No, you do not push." Or, "No. You do not push Mommy."
Tonight, our doorbell rang. It was our neighbors carrying a box of our toys from the backyard. Apparently, Ally and Eric threw them all over the fence into their yard AND they also were throwing sizable rocks at their windows.
I was so embarrassed and saddened. What can I do differently? Is this just a phase? I don't care if it is just a phase. What kind of mother am I when my kids do these things? When I talk to them about it and see Ally plugging her ears. It just makes me sad. We follow a well organized discipline policy, but it is one rich in love and grace. It even differs per child because they respond so differently. I don't want to go into the ways we discipline now because that isn't the point of this post. I know both Cam and I are doing the best we can and that is all that is important. But, as a mom, it is heartbreaking to see my kids hurt each other, yell at me, hit me, spit at me, fight me when I'm just trying to change a poopy diaper. Where did I sign up to fight to get a poopy diaper changed?
Dinner was a disappointment to some of them tonight and a hit with others....I realized, I just have to put something on the table and not really care who will eat it. Someone will always put up a fight. I guess.
This just isn't the family I envisioned. When you put so much love into something like marriage and motherhood, you expect this reciprocation. This instant joy of the realization that I am the best mother on this planet for these kids. *Winks*
Mother's Day is near. I find myself sighing a lot lately. I feel very unfulfilled as a mother. And, MANY times, I have to retreat to a corner in the house or just in my mind and try to find some peace, some sanity really. I have to look at these hidden moments that are being made right now!
Finn, Ally, Eric, Daniel: I LOVED you when you hit me today, when you talked back. I LOVED you when you tried to run away and I had to run after you while carrying the baby, grab your arm and bring you to the car. I quietly put the food down in front of you while you said it wasn't what you wanted. By God's grace, I managed to speak clearly and firmly about what behaviors were unacceptable from today WITHOUT losing my mind with anger and complete rage!! I LOVE you. I say it so often through the day.
When you complain about breakfast or that you have to wear a jacket, I simply say, "I love you."
When you complain that something isn't fair. When I make you put on shoes. When I ask you to help clean up the cars or books on the floor and you scream about how you do all the work, I simple say, "I love you. Please help Mommy right now."
Some day I hope to see the reward and have children that rise up and call me, their mother, blessed. I trust God to raise my kids to be kind, loving, compassionate people because if it were up to me, I would never sleep at night over these issues and how to resolve them instantly. Ally called Finn stupid today. Stupid. Doesn't that just break your heart??
Hopefully, both the love and guidance from Camlon and I over time will lend itself to be the most fruitful for our children's growth. But, how easy it is to get bogged down in this daily muck. I've never felt so disrespected and unloved and unappreciated in my life. It is so humbling to daily do these tasks for my family and know many of my deeds are unnoticed or even despised.
Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men."
After a very long work week, two night shifts and getting the ship ready for an international dignitary, Cam came home only to shower, grab a cup of strong coffee and walk right back out the door with me and the babe for a hot date. We braved the Friday night traffic back into the city. We explored a bit of the University of California at San Diego. We parked alongside million dollar homes, along with all the evening surfers. I wrapped Daniel up and we walked briskly to the Warren Mall on campus. In 30 minutes, Ron Paul would be speaking. Did I mention how much I love my husband! To do this crazy thing with me. How many people would spend a precious date night crammed in a crowd like sardines to hear a political figure!?
Honestly, I have not known much about Ron Paul until this election. My fascination began after watching the Ames straw poll and the debate the evening before the vote at Stephen's auditorium. I loved some of the things Paul shared and I honestly couldn't believe what the other candidates were saying. I knew he was sharing things that wouldn't be popular, but I didn't realize the extent of the dismissal he would receive, even after coming in a close second in that poll.
It isn't only that these views, especially on our past few wars, are unpopular. Only the people that understand media bias and critically analyze the news they receive, would understand what he was talking about. To those who rely solely on news from TV, his views would sound, "cuckoo-cuckoo!" to quote a facebook friend exactly. I blew the dust off my copy of Manufacturing Consent. I knew we were going to experience a wonderful example of the bias in media and the ability of the media to skew views and shape the desired outcome. At this point, I wasn't exactly a Paul supporter, but a media researcher.
Then, this clip from the Daily Show went viral. I'm sure everyone has already seen this, but it was great to see the examples from Ames all pulled together.
And, the year took off from there! I was interested to note the facebook friends (meaning people I've run into over the course of my whole life, from high school, Jersey, New York, college days in Massachusetts, etc) that also seemed to be perking up to the message from the Paul campaign. When will we hear a congressman openly state that we have had and will continue to have blowback from our current foreign policy? This brought me to search for Noam Chomsky's opinion on Ron Paul because Chomsky has been a big voice against our foreign policy for ages and I thought it interesting that this republican candidate was sided with him!! Of course, Chomsky stated in numerous speeches that he does not agree with many of Paul's principles (especially monetarily). But, as far as foreign policy, he is in full agreement. This does not make these two men unpatriotic. In fact, they both state their love for this country. They come from very different backgrounds and philosophies, and yet they agree on the actual history being written about our country around the world. And, they certainly don't agree with any media story without major critical analysis. What is your view of our country's policies? Where do you get your news from?
At least 3,500 people were recorded to be at this San Diego rally last night.
So, this huge sign was right in our way to be able to see the speaker, but I didn't say anything, b/c I figured this is how a rally goes. You bring huge signs and shake 'em the whole time. But, the people behind us were not silent! The first chant began, "Put the sign down!!" It got pretty loud, but still the sign remained proudly raised. Then, the chorus began, "We can't see. We can't see!" And a whole lot more people joined in and the sign came down to a roar of applause. I love watching that moment when someone taps the sign holder on the shoulder and the realization hits, 'Oh, they were shouting about MY sign.'
I remembered Eric Terhune as he mentioned the combat deaths we've had during this past decade. Of course, the numbers are nothing compared to previous wars. But, I did shed a tear when he said that veteran suicides outnumbered combat deaths in 2010.
A veteran for Paul shirt:
Very interesting Campus architecture.....
People were actually in those windows!! Cool.
