I'm not a fan of labels as much as the next person. However, there is a reason to have them.
When I try to explain Finn's behavior to someone, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde comes to mind. Just the black & white nature of those two characters. Finn is a completely different person at home and with his close friends (that he has let in) than when he is introduced to a new social environment.
It isn't unusual for most children to have this anxiety at a new school or at a party full of new kids. But for Finn, it is different. Camlon and I have been so frustrated at times because he comes across as rude, or worse, he simply goes blank and stares back at you or his new friends. We've gotten angry at him. We've pushed him harder to participate, to talk to a peer, anything......
When I came home from dropping him off today, I researched online about separation anxiety. On the Wikipedia page for that, they had a link to selective mutism. After reading that page, I realized I'd discovered something. I know labels can do harm, but at least for me as a parent, it proved beneficial. Discovering this will save Camlon and I a lot of undue frustration and stress. I'm learning that pushing him harder to participate during a time when he is already shut down is not going to help. (Like I didn't already know that).
I'm sharing this video today and if you are a family member or close friend of ours, please take the time to watch all of it. The part where the father talks about getting angry is where I empathize the most. Both Camlon and I have been so frustrated with Finn in the past. He just goes way beyond normal shyness and the kids in this video are Finn to a T.
(Pause playlist below to watch video. Yes, Grandma Barb, I'm talking to you!!!)
The part to watch is about 30 seconds into the video.
I don't want to use the name, selective mutism, when I talk with Finn at this time. Because there are many magical times where he is in a new situation and he does amazing. I suppose that is why it is called "selective." For his homeschool program we were involved in this year (and will continue sometime in the future), he had to give a presentation every week in front of his class AND he had to give 2 presentations over the course of the year in front of his whole school. He did his two major presentations wonderfully and his in class presentations also were great. Yet, he still did not communicate with the other students in class and when put in a game situation he would not participate or communicate with the other students or answer questions that he knew by heart. He would stare blankly ahead or even hide in the corner or under the table. Things were a little different in his ability to reach out and make friends. But again, there is magic going on because he does make friends. He has a few great friends here that he opens up to and he is completely Finn with them. The Finn both Camlon and I know and LOVE. So, this label isn't for him to embrace yet....BUT, let me tell you, I already know just reading about SM and seeing these other families going through similar things helps me have a lot more love and patience with my son!
That's why I'm sharing this today! Love you buddy!
6 comments:
Thank you for sharing Rachel! It's hard to see our children struggling with something and I completely understand getting frustrated! But you are such a wonderful and involved mom in his life that he will be able to conquer anything! Keep being that supportive loving mama and Finn WILL do great things!
That breaks my heart for Finn. Anxiety for a child carries so much more difficulty than anxiety for adults.
Rachel, I used to treat a little girl with SM. It really is a tricky disorder. Prayers for Finn.
I watched the video, and it was fascinating! I have never heard of selective mutism, but I can imagine it is a relief to figure Finn out a bit more, and to know that there are other kids out there who have overcome it. I agree with the other commenters, you are such a supporting and loving mom...he will surely overcome this with your encouragement and help. And kudos to you for looking into it and figuring out what's causing it!
One thing the parents in the video mentioned for themselves is that 'they' started to have hope. I think HOPE is a good word and a good strategy to working through obstacles and setting things back in order. We move forward because we have Hope... we shut down when hope is missing.
I was not extremely shy as a kid, but demonstrating "very" shy behavior would have characterized my thinking inwardly and my responsive actions outwardly in various environments. I am still inclined towards shy behavior, but I can usually think through the +/- of that restrictive way of responding.
Perhaps one good thing that came from that inclination in me was the opportunity to learn to observe and listen well... but that only gets you so far. :)
Thank you for sharing Rachel. It will help all of us in understanding Phin abit better and in how we can help him in difficult situations. (want to say, "Now about Ally...." but I know you print this!) Kidding, kidding ;-)
My brother has 2 kids with SM, and it is for real. I've worked with kids in spedial Ed school program with this issue, and it is for real. It's nothing wrong a parent does, it's how the child processes things at the moment. I'm so glad you found this on the internet. God works in miraculous ways! Our daughter is deaf, we didn't know until she was 2. We thought she was just being naughty. I felt so guilty at first of our frustrations but then found out other parents felt the same. I learned to just let the guilt go that I had felt and start again that day with my new found knowledge. It's challenging and you will learn alot over the next few years of his life that you can share with other, and be a blessing to other parents!
love ya
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