and even after all that being said, I'm not about to go into a whole drawn out mental wrestling about love and marriage! I'm not going to define it. Actually, I guess that's kinda what this whole blog will eventually be. We will look back on all these experiences and emotions and say, well.....I guess that's how we worked through that!
I often imagine being older. 80 or so. I'm sitting on a front porch swing, lucky enough to have Camlon sitting next to me. He's holding my hand or wrapping a warm arm around my shoulders. We sit and rock as the world passes around us. Sometimes, I imagine a busy yard, full of grandkids. Or, I see our porch on a busy street and the world is just bustling by. Of course, most of the time, it's not a swing at all that we sit on, but the large branch of a willow tree like Forest and Jenny from Forest Gump. Just like that spot where he buried her, by the water at sunset.
I bring myself to these images, because the swing of emotions I feel and trust, when I forget how fast life passes, bring on pointless stress and pain. An hour of sleep lost over a sick Eric becomes panic! When will he get well? How much longer can I have these nights of interrupted sleep? An outburst of anger toward Finn turns on the condemnation from my soul. What kind of mother does this damage to her child?
(at a friend's house where Finn flipped out when it was time to leave b/c he loved their toys so much. I'd never seen him so out of control. I felt so much compassion. And, I realized how hard all this change has been for him.)
Is this new job, that will take Cam away from us for a couple lengthy stretches of time, going to destroy our family? Will the kids feel deprived forever of their time without Daddy? Will Cam be able to be apart from us without feeling tremendous guilt? Will his heart be too heavy when at sea?
How am I to be prepared for the long haul with all this unanswered ground in the present?
I won't be.
When I imagine myself older, I seem to be telling my younger self, 'let go of these fears and worries. Do acknowledge them. Give them a say. But, then, choose to go on as if all is well. See how things work themselves out. Trust the good of the situation. That's hard to do, when for the last 20-some years, I've operated on a system of fear and what ifs? But, wow. How freeing to know, I don't even have to ask the What Ifs. If fact, when I don't ask the what ifs, I actually get to enjoy life as it's moving along!
Cam got to spend some time with us off base last night. He walked up the stairs in his dress blues and I could tell when our eyes met that he was lucky to have made it to the house without falling asleep at the wheel. He got some dinner. The kids pummeled him with pillows (he'd never let that happen if he wasn't sleep deprived. No one, not even his own children, will win a pillow fight with Cam). I think the kids were surprised too. They were so surprised they weren't getting the wind knocked out of them with every blow, that they quickly became bored......and just started jumping on him and making as much noise as they possibly could.
But, crazier than that, was our discussion after the kids went to bed. It was not really about anything I could piece together. It was emotional. It was a lot of unanswered questions.... but then it started happening...out of the corner of my eye I noticed his twitch. Yes! That twitch that comes over Cam after a few minutes of laying down, right before he is in a deep sleep. The amazing part: he twitched during our conversation. He was talking, listening, looking at me. But, then, his arm would jerk, or his leg would give a little trimmer. He was looking at me! Talking! But, I believe 98% of him was asleep.
We had a lot of cards at stake on the table during that conversation. However, I laid him down and sat next to him on the floor for a few moments as sleep fully washed over him. He had something or so much of something that he wanted to talk about. I was ready to listen and encourage....But, this moment was for sleeping.
And now I believe that was for the best. How I longed to get in his head, to know what he was feeling, thinking, even wrestling through!! I longed to have the perfect wisdom to cash in after his outpouring. But, this moment was simply for being side by side. It was for me to take care of him. I stroked his short hair. Touched my nose to his temple. Watched him.
All was well. I do remember whispering, "All will be fine." And I imagined myself older again. But, if you follow my thoughts ~ I'm older now. I realize I don't have the future with Camlon guaranteed in my pocket. Once married, the realization is...well, what's next......death parts us. So, I envision those years of love and care for him, however many there will be.
If for some reason, our time together is short, I, at least, will savor all I could of the good things between us today.
God, help me let go of the picture I hold of what a husband is to be. Help me look past hurts, fears, expectations. Let me be a soulmate and caretaker. Let me let everything else go.......
Because even as adults, we all feel like this sometimes...
And I want to show Camlon our love story as he sits aloof in the nursing home (like from the Notebook!). Or maybe, he'll be reading to me.
1 comment:
yeah well... whoever's reading to whom, it'll only be for a moment... a breath.. a vapor. And then we're HOME!
:]
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